Good Morning. Please Take Out a Pen.

Dear Female Reader,

            Take out your journal. Record this entry as entry number one and today’s date. Now answer this question: why do you think your boyfriend wants to break up with you? Analyze choices that range from bad morning breath to your possible possession of a dud personality. In the form of a paragraph, I want you to decide whether or not your boyfriend’s desire to end your relationship proves valid. You will have about seven minutes. Now go! I want you to make quick decisions here. QUICK. You have an idea? Go with it. Just run with it. Any idea at all in regards to why your boyfriend wants to leave you in the dust. Ok now you should finish up your last sentence here. Time has run out. Now stop! Pencil’s down! I said stop and stop means stop!! Now read over what you have written. I have made my own journal entry speculating what your response would contain. In my opinion (also known as the correct answer), you epitomize the “clingy girlfriend.” You know, the one that texts him too often, cannot go four seconds without holding his hand, and calls his mother to verify his whereabouts on a Tuesday night. In this regard, I can relate only to my ex-boyfriend Leonardo DiCaprio. But please, you think I clung to him? Absolutely not. When my voicemail began to overload and my email crashed, I decided Leo and I must take a break. In order to avoid your boyfriend making a similar decision, I advise that you give the boy some space. And who knows? I have since felt twinges of regret for leaving Leo, so maybe your boyfriend will feel the same.

                                                         
                                                                                                       All my best,
                                                                                                             Ms. Serensky

Social Suicide

Let me tell you something about my favorite movie, Mean Girls. The first time I saw it, I sat in a back-bending bean bag chair in Katie McCormack’s basement. We remained best friend in middle school. I know, right? It seems so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. Anyways, I began an immense obsession with the film. From Tina Fey’s sassy screenwriting to Lindsay Lohan’s awkward endeavors, who could resist referencing the movie at any opportunity? Well Katie became like, weirdly jealous of my talent at quoting Mean Girls. Like, if I would blow her off to study my quotes, she would say, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I would say, "Why are you so envious of my talent?" I began to wonder why Katie would act this way. As it turns out, she stood as the school’s queen bee—which explained why her hair looked so big. She filled it with secrets. And me? I felt like her little worker bee. I did think of her as fabulous, but also evil. So in order to gain both a social edge over her and buff up my Mean Girls trivia knowledge, I joined the Fey-letes. This club met after school three times a week in order to study our favorite movie’s famous quotes. Some of my friends told me to join the club would mean social suicide, but I ignored them. As the year progressed, I began to hear about a dance that my peers called Spring Fling. Every year, the eighth graders threw this dance for the seventh graders. Whoever the students elected as King and Queen automatically became head of the Student Activities Committee. Since I remained an active member of the Fey-letes, you could say I had an agenda. I saw Katie McCormack as my only competition. But why should Katie receive all the glory rather than me? I looked just as cute as Katie, right? I seemed just as smart as Katie; people totally liked me just as much as they liked Katie! Why could everybody not just stab Katie?!? Suddenly, I had an epiphany. If I stabbed Katie, I would not feel any more alive. If I called her stupid, it would not make me any smarter. And ruining her life definitely would not make me any happier. You can only try to solve the problem in front of you. However, in the end, her mom called my mom, and my mom started yelling at her. And then Katie dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school. She cut off all her hair and she acted totally weird, and now I guess she does crack.