Education Gonnegtion

2 May 2013

            Meyer Wolfsheim here. I report now from inside a classroom, and one of English at that. Just my luck! But where business takes me, I follow. I must admit, I felt utterly swindled when Gatsby’s reported to me this morning that I would travel so far into the future to reach our current client. But why would I protest the big man himself? I crawled through his little bookshelf and emerged from a closet in a classroom. The date on the board read 2 May 2013. Quite the jump! A quote underneath read “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past” –F. Scott Fitzgerald. Huh. The name rang a bell. Anyway, class began shortly after I arrived. First a woman with short hair and a coy smile on her face walked in to the classroom and sat behind the largest desk in front of the room. She nodded to me, but she did not say a word. I realize that this woman is the reason I came here. After the woman arrived, adolescents filled the room and muttered mysteriously to one another. They did not notice me, but I felt no surprise towards this—only my business partners can see me through the faded wrinkles in the cloth of time. Since I cannot carry out my business while the adolescents discuss a naked blue man standing on a red planet, I retrieved my journal and began to collect my necessary notes.
        Suddenly, a noise pierces the air. My arms whip to my head to cover my ears, but the noise has already ended. The students collect their belongings and leave the classroom one-by-one. Once they all leave, I turn to the women.
      “I understand you are looking for a business gonnegtion.”
       She nods and plainly states “I think we can come to a healthy agreement.”

The Alyssa Method

THE ALYSSA METHOD: AN INTRODUCTION

           Hello. If you find yourself reading this, it is because you sent away for my course, and if you did THAT, it’s because you need to learn how to become a better AP English student. A better grade? Increased confidence and fluidity? Advanced mental techniques that will help you at home or in Ms. Serensky’s classroom? Well, yes, I can offer you all these things…but in order to have and enjoy them, you have to create a new YOU! More than just a writing course, I designed the Alyssa Method to produce bright and capable young men and women who can inherit the challenging, promising, and often difficult world that awaits them in AP English. Below you will learn what you can do to survive the world of AP English.

UNDERSTANDING THE SELF…AND THE WRITING PARTNER

        Both the body and mind are parts of a biological robot that our immaterial souls inhabit. Likewise, you and your writing partner share the same bond. Like any machine, you can tune and improve your writing partner relationship to make it run more efficiently. Through meditation and daily mind-reading exercises, you and your writing partner may come to use your minds in ways that you never thought possible.

HEALTH AND THE BODY OF THE HAND.

          In AP English, you will explore the connection between mind, body, and hand. You will learn how to conquer the possibility of sick days, because trust me: you will not have time for these in AP English. I also recomend a number of techniques for relaxing and alleviating the cramps in your hand muscles.

YOU AND MS. SERENSKY

           Just as you evolved into a whole organic being, complete unto yourself, so are you also part of a larger and more intelligent organism: Ms. Serensky. When Ms. Serensky feels strong and healthy in mind and body, you will want to react in a healthy and positive way also. You will change your classroom for the better, and you will improve both yourself and your fellow AP Englisher.

         So, in conclusion, welcome to the Alyssa Method for AP English fitness and self-improvement—a step-by-step guide to realizing exciting potentials latent within you. You will find a bright new English class just around the corner. It will need English heroes just as badly as your current English class does, and one of them could become YOU!

All best wishes and encouragement,
Alyssa Marquette

Call Me Two Chinz

Dear Mr. Wanz,

            Hi! My name is Kate. I don’t know if you remember me, but we had a “moment” together not too long ago. Our eyes met. A flash snapped as the camera went off to document our first meeting. I could tell by the way you briefly acknowledged my existence and replied to a tweet of mine (claiming “we is cute!!”), that you felt the connection. Since we had such a brief interaction, I wanted to let you get to know me on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. Consider this your very own “K8 is Gr8” experience: a day in my life. Before we begin though, I need a quick snack…ok two pizzas, a loaf of bread, and a bushel of apples should do it. So to start my morning, I eat an entire cow with a side of toast. Delicious! At this point, however, I know I have to hurry. So I throw my backpack, lunch, track bag, and little brother Peter onto my back and swim to school. Not possible, you think? Secret confession: I turn asphalt into water. Trying to beat my personal record of 3:24.76 (in minutes), I arrive at school. But the hunger overtakes me, and I eat my friend Claire Kampman. My bad! To get through the school day, I try to turn myself into an African- American hip hop artist through the ingenious music of Ms. Nicki Minaj. I believe that within every white girl lives her ghetto alter-ego; mine just wishes to escape more often. When that endeavor turns out unsuccessful, I feel hungry again, so I eat my friend Katie McCormack. Oops! After a long, hard day of eating with some learning periodically scattered throughout, I go to track practice. Kirk Daddy tells us our workout for the day, 5,000,000 repeats—good one! I eat him too, and then I run a half marathon at a 4x400 pace. Emma Allen usually needs a ride home, so I throw her on my back and practice my breast stroke down Bell Street. Once I settle down at home with a bowl of cereal (the milk gallon served as the bowl, of course), I begin to check my Twitter. From Two Chinz to Rap Game Glenna, I think of my twitter friends as my real friends. And that now includes you! Well, Mr. Wanz, that pretty much sums up my day!  I hope you feel as if you truly know me on a whole new level. I must warn you, however, that this white girl’s heart beats only for an Indian soulmate. I hope you can understand.

                                                                                                Your biggest fan forever,

                                                                                                            Kate Girouard

SOSS (Save Our Social Statuses)

      Judgment: the ultimate high school petty crime. From a strange outfit one sees in the hallway to the occasional wish to lash out at a good friend, I believe the majority of us can admit to having committed such offenses.  Although petty in nature throughout high school, I often feel nervous for the judgment that my classmates will pass on me in college. Will they think me strange if I remain too quiet? Obnoxious if I act too outgoing? The balance seems so delicate, and my nerves come alive whenever I think of the tightrope I will balance in just a few months. As a whole, however, I hope to uphold the same persona I have developed throughout high school while at the University of Michigan. I want to appear knowledgeable to my fellow classmates, for I fear they will possess intellectual capacities far greater than my own. I want to appear quick-witted and good natured, for I often find myself searching for these qualities in others. Most importantly, I want my future classmates to view me as friendly. As a self-proclaimed homebody, I fear the swell of homesickness throughout my first few months at Michigan. I accept this fear, and I can only hope that I will have a new group of friends that can help me along the way. With the passing of petty high school judgment, I believe I can slip into my new Ann Arbor life with ease—as long as I can disprove any scarlet and grey ties of course.

Good Morning. Please Take Out a Pen.

Dear Female Reader,

            Take out your journal. Record this entry as entry number one and today’s date. Now answer this question: why do you think your boyfriend wants to break up with you? Analyze choices that range from bad morning breath to your possible possession of a dud personality. In the form of a paragraph, I want you to decide whether or not your boyfriend’s desire to end your relationship proves valid. You will have about seven minutes. Now go! I want you to make quick decisions here. QUICK. You have an idea? Go with it. Just run with it. Any idea at all in regards to why your boyfriend wants to leave you in the dust. Ok now you should finish up your last sentence here. Time has run out. Now stop! Pencil’s down! I said stop and stop means stop!! Now read over what you have written. I have made my own journal entry speculating what your response would contain. In my opinion (also known as the correct answer), you epitomize the “clingy girlfriend.” You know, the one that texts him too often, cannot go four seconds without holding his hand, and calls his mother to verify his whereabouts on a Tuesday night. In this regard, I can relate only to my ex-boyfriend Leonardo DiCaprio. But please, you think I clung to him? Absolutely not. When my voicemail began to overload and my email crashed, I decided Leo and I must take a break. In order to avoid your boyfriend making a similar decision, I advise that you give the boy some space. And who knows? I have since felt twinges of regret for leaving Leo, so maybe your boyfriend will feel the same.

                                                         
                                                                                                       All my best,
                                                                                                             Ms. Serensky

Social Suicide

Let me tell you something about my favorite movie, Mean Girls. The first time I saw it, I sat in a back-bending bean bag chair in Katie McCormack’s basement. We remained best friend in middle school. I know, right? It seems so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. Anyways, I began an immense obsession with the film. From Tina Fey’s sassy screenwriting to Lindsay Lohan’s awkward endeavors, who could resist referencing the movie at any opportunity? Well Katie became like, weirdly jealous of my talent at quoting Mean Girls. Like, if I would blow her off to study my quotes, she would say, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I would say, "Why are you so envious of my talent?" I began to wonder why Katie would act this way. As it turns out, she stood as the school’s queen bee—which explained why her hair looked so big. She filled it with secrets. And me? I felt like her little worker bee. I did think of her as fabulous, but also evil. So in order to gain both a social edge over her and buff up my Mean Girls trivia knowledge, I joined the Fey-letes. This club met after school three times a week in order to study our favorite movie’s famous quotes. Some of my friends told me to join the club would mean social suicide, but I ignored them. As the year progressed, I began to hear about a dance that my peers called Spring Fling. Every year, the eighth graders threw this dance for the seventh graders. Whoever the students elected as King and Queen automatically became head of the Student Activities Committee. Since I remained an active member of the Fey-letes, you could say I had an agenda. I saw Katie McCormack as my only competition. But why should Katie receive all the glory rather than me? I looked just as cute as Katie, right? I seemed just as smart as Katie; people totally liked me just as much as they liked Katie! Why could everybody not just stab Katie?!? Suddenly, I had an epiphany. If I stabbed Katie, I would not feel any more alive. If I called her stupid, it would not make me any smarter. And ruining her life definitely would not make me any happier. You can only try to solve the problem in front of you. However, in the end, her mom called my mom, and my mom started yelling at her. And then Katie dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school. She cut off all her hair and she acted totally weird, and now I guess she does crack.

 

My Strange Addiction

My nose began to dribble as I sat in class today.
It sounded like a siren, or a cannon that just boomed.
Although my nose felt dry, my stomach growled with dismay
I look down at the green snot and knew what outcome loomed.
Slowly I nibbled at the cotton tissue end,
But I quickly moved to the salty boogers within.
After one, I could not stop, could not even pretend
That my pesky cold had not become a dangerous addiction.
Classmates look on with disgust as I eat my own green monsters
I laugh because I know my obsession TLC will sponsor.

            As some of you may know, I suffered from an obnoxious sinus infection over the past few weeks. The waterfall of boogers that streamed from my nose seemed never ending, and my constant search for Kleenex interrupted many of my classes. From the trumpet that sounded to the awkward walk to and from my seat, this sickness caused me more discomfort than I have experienced in a while. So my not share it with my AP English classmates? In my poem, I opted to use the most upfront diction that I possibly could to arouse the most uneasiness from my readers. Society often teaches us to apply the euphemism “mucous” instead of “snot” or “boogers,” but I wanted my classmates to experience the maximum discomfort levels (4, 6). I must confess that I do not actually consume my soiled Kleenex as an afternoon snack, so the “salty” description may not hold true (6). However, if anyone wishes to indulge in my “strange addiction,” please report back with imagery as vivid as my own. Until then, stay healthy my friends.