Dear
Mr. Wanz,
Hi! My name is Kate. I don’t know if
you remember me, but we had a “moment” together not too long ago. Our eyes met.
A flash snapped as the camera went off to document our first meeting. I could
tell by the way you briefly acknowledged my existence and replied to a tweet of
mine (claiming “we is cute!!”), that you felt the connection. Since we had such
a brief interaction, I wanted to let you get to know me on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
Consider this your very own “K8 is Gr8” experience: a day in my life. Before we
begin though, I need a quick snack…ok two pizzas, a loaf of bread, and a bushel
of apples should do it. So to start my morning, I eat an entire cow with a side
of toast. Delicious! At this point, however, I know I have to hurry. So I throw
my backpack, lunch, track bag, and little brother Peter onto my back and swim
to school. Not possible, you think? Secret confession: I turn asphalt into
water. Trying to beat my personal record of 3:24.76 (in minutes), I arrive at
school. But the hunger overtakes me, and I eat my friend Claire Kampman. My
bad! To get through the school day, I try to turn myself into an African-
American hip hop artist through the ingenious music of Ms.
Nicki Minaj. I believe that within every white girl lives her ghetto alter-ego;
mine just wishes to escape more often. When that endeavor turns out unsuccessful,
I feel hungry again, so I eat my friend Katie McCormack. Oops! After a long,
hard day of eating with some learning periodically scattered throughout, I go
to track practice. Kirk Daddy tells us our workout for the day, 5,000,000 repeats—good one! I
eat him too, and then I run a half marathon at a 4x400 pace. Emma Allen usually
needs a ride home, so I throw her on my back and practice my breast stroke down
Bell Street. Once I settle down at home with a bowl of cereal (the milk gallon
served as the bowl, of course), I begin to check my Twitter. From Two Chinz to Rap Game Glenna, I think of my twitter friends as my real friends. And that now includes you! Well, Mr.
Wanz, that pretty much sums up my day! I
hope you feel as if you truly know me on a whole new level. I must warn you, however,
that this white girl’s heart beats only for an Indian soulmate. I hope you can
understand.
Your
biggest fan forever,
Kate
Girouard
I love this blog! You had me laughing throughout. Gosh, Kate G is such a hilarious person. I absolutely love the way you use several hyperbolic statements in your piece. You exaggerate Kate's love for food with her eating her friends and Mr. Kirk so perfectly. However, I wonder if Ms. Serensky would approve of Kate tweeting people who use incorrect grammar... I have a feeling "we is cute" would grind her gears to no end.
ReplyDeleteThis really just sums me right up. In terms of the food, I see no use of exaggeration, especially in the quote "a long, hard day of eating with some learning periodically scattered throughout." I want to formally thank you for all of your snack contributions that make this possible. As for the swimming, I may not have the ability to turn asphalt into water in real life, but the underground channel I built certainly suffices.
ReplyDelete(Knucks.)