Call Me Two Chinz

Dear Mr. Wanz,

            Hi! My name is Kate. I don’t know if you remember me, but we had a “moment” together not too long ago. Our eyes met. A flash snapped as the camera went off to document our first meeting. I could tell by the way you briefly acknowledged my existence and replied to a tweet of mine (claiming “we is cute!!”), that you felt the connection. Since we had such a brief interaction, I wanted to let you get to know me on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. Consider this your very own “K8 is Gr8” experience: a day in my life. Before we begin though, I need a quick snack…ok two pizzas, a loaf of bread, and a bushel of apples should do it. So to start my morning, I eat an entire cow with a side of toast. Delicious! At this point, however, I know I have to hurry. So I throw my backpack, lunch, track bag, and little brother Peter onto my back and swim to school. Not possible, you think? Secret confession: I turn asphalt into water. Trying to beat my personal record of 3:24.76 (in minutes), I arrive at school. But the hunger overtakes me, and I eat my friend Claire Kampman. My bad! To get through the school day, I try to turn myself into an African- American hip hop artist through the ingenious music of Ms. Nicki Minaj. I believe that within every white girl lives her ghetto alter-ego; mine just wishes to escape more often. When that endeavor turns out unsuccessful, I feel hungry again, so I eat my friend Katie McCormack. Oops! After a long, hard day of eating with some learning periodically scattered throughout, I go to track practice. Kirk Daddy tells us our workout for the day, 5,000,000 repeats—good one! I eat him too, and then I run a half marathon at a 4x400 pace. Emma Allen usually needs a ride home, so I throw her on my back and practice my breast stroke down Bell Street. Once I settle down at home with a bowl of cereal (the milk gallon served as the bowl, of course), I begin to check my Twitter. From Two Chinz to Rap Game Glenna, I think of my twitter friends as my real friends. And that now includes you! Well, Mr. Wanz, that pretty much sums up my day!  I hope you feel as if you truly know me on a whole new level. I must warn you, however, that this white girl’s heart beats only for an Indian soulmate. I hope you can understand.

                                                                                                Your biggest fan forever,

                                                                                                            Kate Girouard

SOSS (Save Our Social Statuses)

      Judgment: the ultimate high school petty crime. From a strange outfit one sees in the hallway to the occasional wish to lash out at a good friend, I believe the majority of us can admit to having committed such offenses.  Although petty in nature throughout high school, I often feel nervous for the judgment that my classmates will pass on me in college. Will they think me strange if I remain too quiet? Obnoxious if I act too outgoing? The balance seems so delicate, and my nerves come alive whenever I think of the tightrope I will balance in just a few months. As a whole, however, I hope to uphold the same persona I have developed throughout high school while at the University of Michigan. I want to appear knowledgeable to my fellow classmates, for I fear they will possess intellectual capacities far greater than my own. I want to appear quick-witted and good natured, for I often find myself searching for these qualities in others. Most importantly, I want my future classmates to view me as friendly. As a self-proclaimed homebody, I fear the swell of homesickness throughout my first few months at Michigan. I accept this fear, and I can only hope that I will have a new group of friends that can help me along the way. With the passing of petty high school judgment, I believe I can slip into my new Ann Arbor life with ease—as long as I can disprove any scarlet and grey ties of course.

Good Morning. Please Take Out a Pen.

Dear Female Reader,

            Take out your journal. Record this entry as entry number one and today’s date. Now answer this question: why do you think your boyfriend wants to break up with you? Analyze choices that range from bad morning breath to your possible possession of a dud personality. In the form of a paragraph, I want you to decide whether or not your boyfriend’s desire to end your relationship proves valid. You will have about seven minutes. Now go! I want you to make quick decisions here. QUICK. You have an idea? Go with it. Just run with it. Any idea at all in regards to why your boyfriend wants to leave you in the dust. Ok now you should finish up your last sentence here. Time has run out. Now stop! Pencil’s down! I said stop and stop means stop!! Now read over what you have written. I have made my own journal entry speculating what your response would contain. In my opinion (also known as the correct answer), you epitomize the “clingy girlfriend.” You know, the one that texts him too often, cannot go four seconds without holding his hand, and calls his mother to verify his whereabouts on a Tuesday night. In this regard, I can relate only to my ex-boyfriend Leonardo DiCaprio. But please, you think I clung to him? Absolutely not. When my voicemail began to overload and my email crashed, I decided Leo and I must take a break. In order to avoid your boyfriend making a similar decision, I advise that you give the boy some space. And who knows? I have since felt twinges of regret for leaving Leo, so maybe your boyfriend will feel the same.

                                                         
                                                                                                       All my best,
                                                                                                             Ms. Serensky

Social Suicide

Let me tell you something about my favorite movie, Mean Girls. The first time I saw it, I sat in a back-bending bean bag chair in Katie McCormack’s basement. We remained best friend in middle school. I know, right? It seems so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. Anyways, I began an immense obsession with the film. From Tina Fey’s sassy screenwriting to Lindsay Lohan’s awkward endeavors, who could resist referencing the movie at any opportunity? Well Katie became like, weirdly jealous of my talent at quoting Mean Girls. Like, if I would blow her off to study my quotes, she would say, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I would say, "Why are you so envious of my talent?" I began to wonder why Katie would act this way. As it turns out, she stood as the school’s queen bee—which explained why her hair looked so big. She filled it with secrets. And me? I felt like her little worker bee. I did think of her as fabulous, but also evil. So in order to gain both a social edge over her and buff up my Mean Girls trivia knowledge, I joined the Fey-letes. This club met after school three times a week in order to study our favorite movie’s famous quotes. Some of my friends told me to join the club would mean social suicide, but I ignored them. As the year progressed, I began to hear about a dance that my peers called Spring Fling. Every year, the eighth graders threw this dance for the seventh graders. Whoever the students elected as King and Queen automatically became head of the Student Activities Committee. Since I remained an active member of the Fey-letes, you could say I had an agenda. I saw Katie McCormack as my only competition. But why should Katie receive all the glory rather than me? I looked just as cute as Katie, right? I seemed just as smart as Katie; people totally liked me just as much as they liked Katie! Why could everybody not just stab Katie?!? Suddenly, I had an epiphany. If I stabbed Katie, I would not feel any more alive. If I called her stupid, it would not make me any smarter. And ruining her life definitely would not make me any happier. You can only try to solve the problem in front of you. However, in the end, her mom called my mom, and my mom started yelling at her. And then Katie dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school. She cut off all her hair and she acted totally weird, and now I guess she does crack.

 

My Strange Addiction

My nose began to dribble as I sat in class today.
It sounded like a siren, or a cannon that just boomed.
Although my nose felt dry, my stomach growled with dismay
I look down at the green snot and knew what outcome loomed.
Slowly I nibbled at the cotton tissue end,
But I quickly moved to the salty boogers within.
After one, I could not stop, could not even pretend
That my pesky cold had not become a dangerous addiction.
Classmates look on with disgust as I eat my own green monsters
I laugh because I know my obsession TLC will sponsor.

            As some of you may know, I suffered from an obnoxious sinus infection over the past few weeks. The waterfall of boogers that streamed from my nose seemed never ending, and my constant search for Kleenex interrupted many of my classes. From the trumpet that sounded to the awkward walk to and from my seat, this sickness caused me more discomfort than I have experienced in a while. So my not share it with my AP English classmates? In my poem, I opted to use the most upfront diction that I possibly could to arouse the most uneasiness from my readers. Society often teaches us to apply the euphemism “mucous” instead of “snot” or “boogers,” but I wanted my classmates to experience the maximum discomfort levels (4, 6). I must confess that I do not actually consume my soiled Kleenex as an afternoon snack, so the “salty” description may not hold true (6). However, if anyone wishes to indulge in my “strange addiction,” please report back with imagery as vivid as my own. Until then, stay healthy my friends.

Lyssa's Lyfe Lessonz

Dear Myss Lyss,

            First of all, quit the nickname. Unfortunately, it does not catch on, so do not ask your mom to get it printed on the back of your brand-new sweat shirt. Confused yet? Yes, it is me, and I am you, only one year older.

            Let me prove it to you. You sleep with a stuffed bear named Bear. You know every word to every High School Musical song. You play scrabble against yourself in your free time. You have not only a homemade logo for yourself, but also an original theme song to the tune of “You’re the One That I Want” from Grease (To pick a lyric at random—“I got skilllssss and I know it”).

            Now that I have gained so much wisdom at Chagrin Falls Middle School, I wanted to communicate with my eleven-year-old self and share some insight on how to become the “cool kid” in sixth grade. Step one: ALWAYS sit in the back of the bus. Not only does it secure your social status, but you will also learn some quality cuss words such as “stupid,” “butt,” and “idiot.” Step two: Always wear pig tails. From normal to braided, this effortless hair style remains timelessly stunning. To complete the look, I recommend a nice shade of Girl Scout khaki pants with a horizontally striped Aeropostale polo. Have no fear, for boys will crawl all over you in no time. Step three: rainbow braces. If you need to keep up a mouth full of metal, why not dazzle your classmates with every color they could ever imagine? I currently sport a combination of deep mahogany and aquamarine green, and I can tell by the way that my fellow seventh graders cackle at me that their envy runs deep. Step four: write more lyrics to that catchy theme song of yours. Whenever I think of it, I picture myself as Olivia Newton-John in John Travolta’s hunky arms as he serenades me beside the Trabant at Blossom Time.  Finally, step five: whenever someone insults you, simply flip a pig tail, snap a finger, and sassily sing the classic Jonas Brothers lyric: “I’m hot, you’re cold.” Their face will say it all.

            With these steps, you will effortlessly become the most popular kid in sixth grade.   I mean, with all my 12 year old experience, you could basically call me an expert on life. Have a great rest of your year, baby Alyssa, and never forget your inner superstar.

                                                                                    Best of luck,

                                                                                             Alyssa Christine Marquette

                                                                                             Age 12

It's...Alive!

      Zap. A neuron connects. Zap zap zap. They all continue to fire and form the wirings of my brain. The firings give off the only acknowledgeable sound in my warm little home…or maybe my auditory receptors have simply yet to develop. But I know everything in me constantly develops, and it all originates from somewhere in my back. New bones appear each day with a set order and placement, and my singular arm proves no different. My budding brain flashes to scenes of ancestors as they hunt for food with their sole brachia. They try to overpower the leaping tiger, but fail. Bound only to observe this distant memory woven into my genes, I feel an obligation to aide both my predecessors and descendants. What if they could grab the tiger with not one, but two hands? Or use a spear AND a rock to attack the wooly mammoth? Somewhere deep within my glial and nervous cells, I can sense that my genes want to help too. Pop. A mutation of a single nucleotide occurs.  Only a single mutation, but it remains one of the most critical in my body. As I continue to grow, I notice a big change in my skeletal makeup. A second arm begins to form. I wiggle my infinitesimally small body to try and make room for this coveted limb. The fingers on my brand new second hand appear identical in structure and function to its original counterpart.

            When the rest of my body catches up to the development of the second hand, I slowly leave my nine-month home. Although I have enjoyed my time, I cannot wait to show my family what I made. My mother looks at me with love when I first arrive, but I hear words like “freak” and “monstrosity” when others approach. I begin to cry. How can the outside world act so cruel? Someday they will learn. With a second hand, I can prove them all wrong.